DISNEY!!!

Christmas Baby!

So the other night we decorated our tree. And by "we" I mean my "other" family. Marisa, Carol, Tommy, Keith, Jeremy and Benji. This is the first year in a long time that I have had the chance to be with people I love and decorate the house and the tree and listen to Christmas songs and just enjoy the feeling of comfort. That was the best night I have had in a long time. Even though I see my "other" family a thousand times more than I see my actual family back home, it's nice to know that I am loved. I don't know what I would do without having this family in my life. I see them almost every day. They include me in every dinner. They wait for me if we are going to somewhere. I get invited to every family function, even Keith's football games, or meetings when the family needs to have a serious conversation. I have my own stocking on the wall. I have my place on the couch. I have a cold beer waiting for me when Tom knows I'm coming over. It's the little things that really let me know how lucky I am to have a family away from my family. Even though I hate Maggie (the smelly family dog), it's still nice to see her come and bark at me every time I come over. 

I'm working...

... on being a better person. Words and actions can literally destroy someone in seconds. They can be evil and malicious. And I never want to be that person. I would much rather hurt myself than someone I care for. I'm working on it.

100s

So BOBBY HUNDREDS has done it again. I basically want the new HOLIDAY collection. So if you are rich or feel the need to give... then go ahead and BUY ME SOME CLOTHES!!!!!!

Forgiven?

So it's Sunday morning and I have been up since 6:08 and I can't help but to think back to when I would wake up every Sunday and my mom would make breakfast for my brother, father and myself before we went to church. It was such a comforting feeling. I always felt safe and renewed. I knew I would be going to a place where I would be forgiven for all that I have done wrong that week. I knew I would be going to a place where people cared for me who hardly new me personally; but they did know my story of depression and hospital visits and suicide. Anyways, during that time I was much closer to God. I felt I had an actual relationship with him. And when I would play in the church band I would seriously cry every time I looked out and saw my brother and mom because I was so proud to be doing something that they respected, and that God respected. But lately, I have lost every single one of those feelings. I really don't know why. I rarely pray, I rarely talk about God, I rarely read his word and rarely go to church. It's sad that I've lost that passion I once had. I feel lost. I feel like I have failed myself. I call myself a Christian however, I am the worst example of one. Not to say I do terrible things but I definitely do not live up the expectations that God has placed on me. I'm writing all of this not to get criticism from people but because I needed to get it out (even if it's on a blog). I'm so lost. I don't know if any of you have ever felt like this because I know I don't have many friends who believe in God or even care about religion and its "rules". I wish I had some understanding. I wish I understood myself.

So Marisa and I took a 5 day vacation to Seattle. It was honestly the best vacation I have ever had. I'm in love with the city and the girl I went with. There were so many good cafes and restaurants and sights to see. I couldn't have been happier during those 5 days. I got to wake up to the best gf in the world and experience so many new things with her. Anyways, here are some pics from the trip.

Waiting...

So I don't have my bike right now. It's in the shop getting some "upgrades". I hate not having it. So I think I need to invest in another one. FUCK cars! 

The other day I was at a friend's (a mom of two) birthday party and when I was there, I couldn't help but realize that I was getting older. I caught myself so many times looking into the future and catching a snap shot of my life. And you know what... I loved it. With a girl by my side, a beer in my hand, some good people around me laughing and talking; it all looked pretty good from where I was standing in the kitchen. I think I'm ready to grow up. I think.

Things to look forward to...

soon

i will disappear.

I wish...

...I knew how to handle it better.

fucked on the inside

I keep wondering if I am normal. If all of these thoughts I have (not the good kind) are what everyone else is thinking. Does everyone feel like they are a piece of shit for a little while everyday? Please don't get me wrong, this is not some little pity party where I want everyone to worry about me or try to comfort me with false statements like "You are a great person Dani". I just don't get my life sometimes. I look around and see so many people stoked on life. I hear so many stories of people going places and doing things and starting their lives and bringing a child into this world; and I take a step back and wonder what the hell I did wrong. While so many of my friends were out having fun growing up, I was dealing with taking pills everyday that would supposedly make me "more happy". But I dealt with all of that and went to school and got a degree and got a job in sunny Cali-for-ni-a! Thats what my parents and every teacher told me was the right thing to do. And it was... right? I guess I will find out right before I am about to die; right before I have that conversation with God. So what's next? Keep doing what I am doing. Worry about the way I look and the way I feel everyday for the rest of my life. Or do I not give a shit and let my life go; start drinking as much as I can, eat shitty food, stop going to the gym, quit my job and move back home? If you know the answer, please respond promptly. 

I need you so much closer...

I don't really know where this entry is going to go... so I'm just going to start typing.

How much of a family can you create around you when you live 350 miles from the family who raised you?

How much can you miss your friends before breaking down?

I've been wearing a lot of hats and beanies lately while I wait for my hair to grow out.

I've been told I'm going to go bald because of it.

My brother just left to Australia. I miss him. Be safe bro!

When I go running, all I think about is how I hate how I look.

Music has been running my thoughts and feelings lately. I really have no control; but I like it.

I'm getting closer... my heart is trying. Believe me.

I have been cheated on by three different girls.

I want to go to the cabin.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to live in a black and white world for a week. Maybe a month.

I think I'm becoming more materialistic. Damn iPhone 3G.

Two of my best friends broke up... I hate it. I lost a little hope.

My parents are more in love than ever; I hope I get to that stage someday.

I want a puppy so I can name him "DUNK".

How much longer can I stand living in Los Angeles?

I need to start reading the bible more.

I'm putting together my resume. I think I may be leaving my job soon.

I think I want to have a girl as my first child.

I should probably get married before I think those thoughts.

I'm not the person who you once knew a few years ago.

Chances are most of the people I know, don't really know me at all.

How many people will sit and just talk to you over coffee these days?

People need to start caring about what people think and feel and their beliefs and not about MySpace.

I need you so much closer...

Bored

Think About It

No rules. No control. Living by their design.

I'm no good at court ordered goodbyes.

Excuse my rant; but i have something to say.

I am growing up which means I have less time for my friends. I have full time job where I work about 10 hours a day, often more. I don't have the luxury of seeing my friends at school or work. I have errands to run and bills to pay daily. I have commitments as an adult. I have responsibilities that most don't have. I live on my own. I pay for everything that I have. I don't always have 50 bucks to waste on gas or a nice dinner or to go to Disneyland for the day. I often would rather spend my money on other materialistic objects or better yet, I would rather save my money so that I can have a house when I get married. Thats just the way I am. Lets watch a movie and take a walk or take some pictures, its free and a lot more fun than just going out to dinner. So to all of my friends who are "mad" or "upset" with me because we don't get to hang out as much as we used to, then all I can say is to understand where I am coming from. And if you are a true friend, then we will stay in contact and just be patient. I am not one to ditch friends because of work or responsibility. I will make time, just maybe not when you want. I am still the same Daniel that you first met, just maybe a little bit more hip. I love you all.

something to look forward to

newest edition to the family.