i don't care..

that anyone reads this.
it's for me and not you.
and lately you have fallen apart in front of me.
so now i feel like a child again.
like i just graduated and have no direction.
so i guess i need to think fast or be killed.
maybe suffer from boredom or this southern california air.
it's no more toxic than not reading the bible.
there are just too many damn malls down here and not enough trees.
it's not simple here.
everything and everyone comes with an agenda down here.
i can't define myself through irony.
i can't deny myself from self deprivation.
every emotion is gathered from a bar at 9AM.
it's my cost but also my loss.
i think i just need a new heart and mind.
or maybe just hope that i die today and be born again tomorrow.
whatever, this music will do for now.
for now at least.

sometimes life makes you think

lately

so here is what i have been up to lately:
1. finished pre-marital class
2. caught up to season 4 on dexter
3. watch marisa have more fun with a laser pointer than the cat actually has
4. took care of marisa while she was sick
5. had some good visits at work
6. have been slacking on reading the bible daily
7. been listening to some new music
8. started eating better
9. installed nana and papa's new computer and modem
10. got really sick (which is where i am so far)

looking forward to some well needed days off and some good times with my marisa! cabin?!?!?

shake it out

i swear i will never feel ok. my stupid brain keeps me from staying happy for more than two days. depressed a bit. ugh

things i like/want

1. some new work shoes. they are toms (with laces wtf?)



2. every time i die - new junk aesthetic



3. new bike. im saving right now.



4. paul frank undies hahaha

home and stuff

so last weekend marisa and i went to my house up north in pacific grove. it was nice to see and spend some quality time with them. anyways, here are some pictures from the weekend. marisa took the pics.

in response to my gf's "i miss" blog post...

ETID

so stoked off this video and the new record.

weddings and weekends

So this past weekend it was Marina's and Johnathan's wedding. Saturday was the rehearsal dinner. So Marisa (who was in the wedding) and I went down to Huntington Beach so the wedding party could do their thing. We then went to kill some time at one of her friend's house and soon headed to the dinner. The food was awesome. It was some italian place that loved giving people appetizers. I feel like they brought us five appetizers before we even got our main course. Anyways, good food and good company. The next day was the day of the wedding. So Marisa woke up hella early, thus waking me up, so that I could take her to Heather's so that the girls could start getting ready at 8:00 am. Then around 2:00 pm I picked up Kyle and we headed off to HB for the ceremony. It was perfect day for a wedding. The ceremony went really well. It was a wonderful little moment in time. Everyone was dressed up so nice and Marisa looked amazing. It made me excited about our future together! So the rest of the night was filled with food, friends, some drinks, dancing and pictures. I did take some pictures which I will post later. I am going to try and edit some of them today. And then to yesterday... I had the day off from work so it was filled me and Marisa watching 'Make It or Break It'. Apparently there was a marathon and Marisa and I actually got into it. Yeah ABC Family shows! We ate sandwiches, drank wine, did laundry, and watched TV pretty much all day. It was fun. Oh yea, and Marisa threw me into the pool with my clothes on. Can't forget to mention that. Payback is going to suck for her. hahahaha

home

i miss it.
how can i get back there?
i can't?
can i?
transfer?
transfer my life from lakewood to pacific grove?
idk?
it's funny how we always end up going back home...
but how funny am i?

i took it like a grown man

epic. enough said.

edit: the song, not the people in the video. in fact i have no idea who these people are in the video. but thats not the point.

to pass the time

1. "where the wild things are" - trailer
2. "debacle" - new nike sb video
3. "fully flared" - lakai (watch this. its the final video.)
4. bike rides
5. looking for a new bike

wars and rumors of wars

i just got done watching the new nike sb skate vid. it was short but legit. just had to share since shoes and skating have been on my mind lately. but yea... so as for my last post... i still and most likely will always feel many of the same emotions. i am who i am. i am not the best person and by no means wish anyone to ever have the life i have, but i often thank god that i have the people who i have in my life. those are the people that keep me here. from my loving gf to a friend who i have not spoken to in years to my brother who would give his life for me, i know that i have friends who truly care for me. and not just anyone can say that. there are many people on this earth would consider themselves to be without friends. to be without someone who would tell them to stop fucking up and stop letting the world bring them one step closer to the end. as much as i am blessed i feel lost and inadequate. but i have time on my side. i will be seeing my family soon. i will get to play golf with my brother and father which will make me so happy. i will be going to Ireland in less than a week with the girl of my dreams. i will get promoted. i will succeed. i will have the lord on my side. i will be more than i make myself out to be. i will surprise myself.

downward

lately i have succumb to the ways of the world. i am not in a good place. i have ended up in the hospital for stupid reasons and i fear that i am not getting any better. these stupid pills never seem to be working. i hurt the people who care for me the most. i fear i am not a good person. i fear that i am not a good friend. i fear that i will end up in either heaven or hell within the next year. i cannot control myself. i let worldly substances overtake me. i am weak. i never have been strong. i am always losing this battle in my head. my thoughts race a mile a minute. loud music and hard drums and crunching guitars and screaming vocals and deep base lines seem to be calming to me. i hate this world more than i should. help me god. make me strong again. like i was when i was five years old and nothing in this world could keep me from smiling.

i can't get enough

i can't get shoes out of my head lately!

KOSTON X NIKE

so stoked on this and 'debacle' which will be out soon!

Eric Koston has consistently been one of the most brilliant skaters in the game for quite a while, so when news first broke that he was leaving his longtime shoe sponsor, Lakai, all sorts of speculation began to brew on what company he would wind up with. After being photographed in a pair of Big Gulp Nike Dunk SB’s a few months back, rumors of a possible Nike SB sponsorship began to circulate around the web. With all that idle chatter buzzing around already, Koston was recently caught on video skating with plastic bags over his shoes. People immediately began to wonder why his kicks were being kept such a secret, and now today, the official announcement came down that Eric will indeed be joining the Nike SB team.

The addition of Koston instantly adds even more superstar firepower to the brand and it’s safe to say that it’s only a matter of time now before an Eric Koston signature model is in the works. Upon joining the team, Eric had this to say:

“Not only am I psyched to be a part of the great group of guys that makes up the Nike SB team, but I’m equally as excited to work with them creatively. I’m sure many people know that a lot of different Nike’s have been the inspiration for my shoe designs over the last 12 years, so I feel like a fucking kid in a candy store when it comes to this partnership between Nike and I.”

the beginning of my summer minus my depression

so marisa and i went to signal hill to do some teaching and go shooting. she got a new 50mm lens for her birthday (thanks to me) and she wanted to try it out. so here are some shots. also i added a couple more of aiden aka azzden and a self timed shot of the infamous couple! the shots of her were taken by me and the ones of me were taken by her. she is getting so good!

get out of my head!

i started praying daily... for the right things.
things with marisa and i are going great. we're growing.
i'm moving soon!
atmosphere finally made a good record.
i've been using the perfect push up.
i miss buying sbs. i guess toms will do for now.
5-4-3-2-1.
these meds have been making me crazy lately. fuck.
i need to get my oil changed and new breke pads.
ireland in less than a month.
i'm in love with marri's pizza.
efren is going to be a dad.
la la la la la like a good old fashion nightmare.

this has been stuck in head lately:

this is what's up!

So this past week has been filled with picnics and santa monica and birthdays and just a lot of good times. Anyways, here are some pics of what I have been up to lately.

surprise, surprise

Today is a surprise. I'm taking Marisa go do something she has never done before and get her something she has never had. I can't tell you what we are doing because if she reads this before I go pick her up in an hour, then well... so much for the surprise. I'm sure one of us will post some pictures on one of our blogs.

p.s. be on the look out for some pretty cool feet/shoes pictures!

out with the gf

the good old days

thanks mom

So what do you do when your mom gets you self-help books? Do you look at them for 3.4 seconds, put them on the shelf and never look at them again? Or do you look at them for 4.9 seconds and realize that your mom is right and that all of the things that your parents, friends and loved one have been telling you are real? I guess I will be taking the latter and making a commitment to start reading the first one. I have realized a lot in the past couple of days while I was home. Life was better a few months ago, but not as good as it can be. I do have a lot I need to work on and I know this, I just never admit it. BTW, I'm still not admitting it. HA! So this is all part of growing up and realizing that it IS time to make some changes for the better. To be the person I want to be and the person so many of you know I can be. Depression and bipolar disorder will always be a huge part of my life, but I can't just sit back and let it get the best of me. It just drives me to being one of the most shittiest people I know. STEP OUT - MAKE IT SAFE - STEP BACK IN.

I'm sorry for who I have been. Be my support?

gigantic

This looks like the type of movie I will be in the mood for often.

ghost man

But whatever I have been getting myself into
Lately has been slicing inches from my waist
It's my face vs. the bottle
And thank god you weren't there...
And that's how bad could this hurt
...against I won't feel a thing
And thank god you weren't there...
I tell you all about it
It's just not working out
...to watch me hit bottom
Not working out

N-F-fucking-G!

finally the album came out today. not to say that i haven't been listening to it non-stop for the last month. but now the general public can get a listen to some of the NFG gold. anyways, stoked for another NFG release. and yes, i spent hella money on having all four vinyl pressings and even the target exclusive cd (go figure). anyways, get the new cd or ask me to send it to you.

ps... eat a philly!

pps... gonna see my baby soon!

USA!

go team usa! eff canada!

PHILLY!!

i really want a philly sandwich right now. but a burrito may have to do.

beardcore

bringing it back!

my softer side

break ups to make ups

So one of the most influential bands for me (not to mention one of my favourite bands ever) broke up. Last week VERSE decided to call it quits. And just when VERSE breaks up Blink 182 got back together. I guess some good always comes out with the bad. Thank you for everything VERSE.

PS - I'm listening to Student Rick... man the good old days when I would skate around listening to them on my portable cd player or lay in my room listening to "Hideaway" as loud as I could.

PSS - It's Valentine's Day and it's good to know I'm loved <3

BLINK!!!!!!

I'm so fucking stoked on Blink 182 getting back together. HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH! My life just got so much better!

NFG X B9

New Found Glory, Epitaph and Bridge Nine are proud to announce the first in two vinyl collaborations to celebrate the upcoming New Found Glory album Not Without A Fight in stores March 10th (Epitaph doing CDs & Digital, Bridge Nine handling vinyl).

This 7" single is a one-time pressing and it's available now at B9store.com/newfoundglory or B9store.com/vinyl

RELEASE DETAILS

This 7" is a one-time pressing. The single features the song "Listen To Your Friends" on the A-side and the instrumental on the b-side. The packaging is an embossed gold foil cover with a 12"x18" poster exclusive to this release. The download card included is provided by Epitaph and Shockhound so we will not have a download.

dun dun dun

GET IT!?

the hurt process

i never knew i could feel this way.

i never knew i could hurt so much.

i never wanted to know a life like i have now.

alone.

god i miss her.

i think

i'm getting depressed again

BENJI (the only cat i ever loved)

rip. i miss you!

I never really grew up.

I can't wait!